newklear

That's nearly as much of my life I've spent on this site. 7 years as of a few hours ago... or to put it another way, 31.1% of the days I've walked this planet. When you say seven on its own it doesn't seem like such an accomplishment... but when you break it down into relative terms of exactly what it is, it strikes home just how large a... can't really say accomplishment, it's somewhat of a misnomer... but undertaking to have been around this long. I've met some amazing people, I've seen some amazing things, some not so great too. Either way, 2,556 days later and I'm no longer the teenager I was when I first joined; I've long passed by those days... now I'm well into my twenties and I've experienced much that I would never have had the opportunity without this place. I look on with fond memory as the names I was here in my infancy have all long disappeared, the very special people who have shaped this experience.

Forgive me for going on about it, but I owe a lot to this place. I'm indebted to it, and as sour as some memories may run, they're all important aspects of my life. I thank you all for making it something that, despite my best efforts, I keep coming back to the better part of a decade later.

So, 2008 eh? Finally, it marches to a close - just over 12 hours separate me from 2009 and whatever infinite possibilities it may send with it. Things look a lot brighter now in terms of accomplishment than they have for a long time, so here's hoping that this is finally my year. 2008 itself has been a fairly mixed bag, filled with the absolute highest of highs imaginable, and then, some of the absolute worst moments I've ever lived through. And yes, I say that with an air of remorse and sadness - although also with a sense of pride that I can say that I am still here. For a while there, things were never quite so sure as I'm sure a lot will attest to. The darkest moments are always the ones which try to steal your wind from your sails, and these definitely succeeded very heavily. Where I sit at the tail end of this year, is a very different affair to what I had hoped 366 days ago. Do I know myself better than I did then? Yes and no. In a lot of ways my worldview has matured exponentially, my dreams have been given a dose of reality, and my aspirations given definition. I guess circumstance virtually ensured that for me. Through it all however, I'm still left with a bitter sensation of longing and loneliness - 2008 has seen both the tempest and bottom for that. The world, in all its many splendours, can twist fate in the cruellest ways sometimes. Alas.

This year has seen the following:

1. My first visit to Asia, Seoul specifically. This is the first time I set foot on foreign soil, and above all else, the first time I'd ever travelled on an airliner (I'd been in a Cessna 182 previously, but that doesn't count).
2. My first visit to the United States, Chicago specifically. This signalled that after a long time of trying, a major blow had been dealt to inconvenient circumstance. This also meant that after the longest time, I got to physically hold the most amazing person in the universe as I'd wanted to so many nights before.
3. I saw snow for the first time, in abundance. Flying over Alaska, northwestern Canada and the upper Midwest was an incredible experience because I'd gone from seeing nothing but browned land and empty rivers, to seeing a landscape with nothing but lakes, fields of snow, and highways.
4. I went to Shedd Aquarium, something I'd wanted to do for god knows how many years. Of course, like a dickhead, I missed out on half of the exhibits because I suck at reading signage. What I saw, however, impressed me greatly and left me in awe.
5. I saw the true extent of the homeless problem in the United States, as well as many politically-motivated protesters. It was a massive change-up from what I'm used to here in Australia.
6. I got to see both Wrigley Field and "The Bean", two places I'd wanted to visit for a long time.
7. I got to ice-skate outdoors for the first time ever, something I'd wanted to do since I was fairly young. It's a totally different experience to indoor arena skating. Thankfully we got in on the last day of the season!
8. I got to see one of the finest school orchestras perform at a competition.
9. I got to see my first US sunset.
10. I got to throw snowballs for the first time, an experience I would've never had here.
11. I got to see sunset from atop one of the world's tallest buildings with someone who meant the world to me.
12. I got to spend a fair amount of time near one of the world's largest bodies of fresh water, which was, as you'd imagine, fucking freezing. The snowjacket did little to stop it.
13. I went to Lincoln Park Zoo, where amongst other things I also saw my first squirrel.
14. I hung out in an American mall and got to go to one of their cinemas. Verdict? It's exactly the fucking same, only on a much larger scale. Oh, and they have Hot Topic, which I uh.. maybe went into.
15. I ate Chicago Deep Dish pizza, which for those of you around the northside should go check out MyPi, a cool little pizza restaurant on N Clark Street, at around about 2440 N on the northbound side (just past the Fullerton Parkway). Delicious and fairly cheap too.
16. I proved that given motivation, I could smile. I don't think I've ever smiled as much as I did over that month. Never.
17. I saw a harbour that was at one point completely frozen over. My mind was blown, because I'd been in the country all of 36 hours before I had seen it.
18. I got to see the Arctic, an absolutely stunning sight. It did well to try and take my mind off of other things.
19. I saw the inside of Seoul/Incheon Airport's terminal for the second time, which after 15 hours in a plane on about no sleep in a week is really bloody incredible.
20. I saw Moreton Bay from a plane window at sunrise, something which made me appreciate the beauty I've lived amongst for my whole life.
21. I lost my job on my return home with no explanation, much to my dismay.
22. I battled chronic debt and attempted to overcome it as best as possible, not the easiest thing with no employment.
23. As a lot of you know, I parted ways with Amanda, which yes, still hurts every fucking second I'm awake. Just writing that has made me tear up, ha. What a pussy huh? Just goes to show you can achieve your dreams, but when you do, be careful for they are fleeting.
24. I was diagnosed with chronic clinical depression and have spent since then in Psychiatrist offices.
25. I started a reef aquarium to try and keep myself in a good frame of mind as much as possible, although it's presented its own unique set of fuck-arounds.
26. I hung out with alexandrasalas when she came over, after knowing her for the better part of half a decade. She's a lot shorter than you'd imagine. Or I'm a lot taller? Who knows.
27. I went to Riverfire with phoenirius and got a bunch of photographs to prove it. Still, months on, I've not gotten my CF card back off of her. Can anybody say "slack"?
28. I recently got my Responsible Service of Alcohol license, as well as completed a bar course.
29. I've enrolled to redo my senior education at TAFE next year to allow me to go to university.
30. I was offered a job as a barman in Vancouver, but had to decline due to funding issues. I'm hoping to go over under a similar program at the end of next year, once I have completed my studies.

Pleasant valley Sundays, where art thou? This year has really shaped me as who I am for the future. It's left me incredibly bitter, incredibly cynical, and more than just a little bit lost. That is not without its reasons as I'm sure more than enough of you know about, but those bridges are long gone. I'm still stuck getting major flashbacks of everything I did in the US, all the people I met, all the special moments I shared.. it's become almost haunting. I guess the way things ended up finishing off has left a permanent rift in me, which still this long on, is my single dominating thought. It kills me what has become of Mandy and myself through my own fuckheadery, and that is probably my biggest regret of all. But, what is done is done, sadly. Everything that has happened since however, will never amass as much power as the time I spent there. Never. The time I spent there while things were good, I've no doubt in my mind, will forever rank amongst the most fond memories I have of anything, and will forever continue to shape me as a person for the future.

I've driven a lot of people away over the course of this year which I am not proud of in the slightest. It has been something to preserve everybody involved however, and if I have pushed you away, it's nothing personal - just me trying to cope with the fucked-up head I've been dealt. Perhaps next year things will be better? Who knows? Here's hoping anyway, because I do miss all of the special people in my life. I miss having those people to be a dickhead with and just forget it all. I miss being able to talk life and not have to worry about judgement. I miss being able to offer caring and support for the important people in their times of need. Actually, I just miss being me. redness pointed out last night that I'm not who I used to be, and that she misses that person. Sadly, I find myself having to agree with her. I'm doing my best to get that back. I truly am.

2009, it is going to be a year of rebuilding and revitalisation. Hopefully I can mend those bridges I've burnt, especially one in particular. We'll see in the morning, eh?


Know that I love you all, and you're all incredible people.


Per aspera ad astra.

Yes we can. That is the underlying message that Barack Obama sent out over the literally teeming crowd present at Grant Park in Chicago, and to the people of the world listening on in muted anticipation and reserved excitement as he delivered one of the most historically relevant speeches ever that signalled the entry into a new era, and that signalled that no longer would the injustices of his nation be suffered lying down.

Yes we can. That is the statement that so many today in the United States of America stood up and made, and the message they hope will become an a resounding voice throughout the future yet to be written. Yes we can is the message that so many today sent to the rest of the world, and the message that confirms that although days may be dark right now, there is surely hope and light to be found in even the darkest of all times. Although President-elect Barack H. Obama enters the White House during what is essentially one of the darkest eras in modern history, his message of hope, his statement of change, and his credo of being by the people and truly for the people stands him in good stead to deliver on what he has promised. Watching on on the events happening in Grant Park as the night progressed highlighted one important thing, and that is what was on people's faces so plainly - this incredible feeling of hope for something better ahead. People for too long have been down on their leadership and on their nation - and it shouldn't be like that. America should be a nation to be looked up to, a beacon for other nations to be guided by. Instead, for the better part of a decade, America has been a pariah frowned upon with disgust and overall malaise from not only the rest of the world, but by a large number of its citizens also. I too was one of those people - but not without cause. For too long we've seen a tendency towards separation in lieu of drawing together based on the things that are all of us - we are all created equally. Although we are different in so many ways, our stories are unique - our interests are shared. Obama signifies that for so many, and so many across the globe are embracing the new.

Yes we can. That was the message he gave us, and for once in history, we can truly believe it and run to it with open arms and eager anticipation. So, Mr. Obama, lead us where you may, let us change what we will. The future, once more, is brightened by a burning beacon of hope.


Yes, we can. And we can, together, as a global nation with a leader at the helm of our big brother nation who seeks to aid us, not oppress us and push us aside. Yes, we can. Yes we can, and let it ring out on the lips of our children eternally as we ford into the bravest of all frontiers.


Listen to the Barack Obama remix of Lee Dorsey's classic track, "Yes We Can" [via boingboing]